I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
