you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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