Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
