it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
