I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
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