I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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