i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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