Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I want is dick and wine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
