the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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