Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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