Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
