Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
