Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
