Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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