the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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