Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
