took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
