I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
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