I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
