There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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