remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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