Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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