The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
