Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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