Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
