I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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