Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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