i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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