he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
