good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
