guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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