I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Small penises have feelings too.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
