I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
