My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
