oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
