My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
