I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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