Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
