Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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