it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
