I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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