Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
