so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
