also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
