Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
