I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
