He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
