Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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