we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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