i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
