The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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