Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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