I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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